January 15, 2025

The Subtle Signs That Something Was Wrong – And the Fear of Admitting It

When I think back to the months before I finally left, one of the most challenging parts was recognising that something was wrong. Domestic abuse often doesn’t start with physical violence. It can begin in ways so subtle that you might not even realise what’s happening. But these small signs—the ones you’re afraid to name or even admit to yourself – can be just as damaging.

The Subtle Signs

Abuse often thrives in silence and uncertainty. Here are some of the subtle signs I experienced, which others might recognise too:

A Change in Your Confidence: I started to feel like I wasn’t good enough. No matter what I did, it seemed like it wasn’t right or wasn’t enough.
Walking on Eggshells: Every word or action felt like it had to be carefully calculated to avoid upsetting him. The tension became an undercurrent in everyday life.
Isolation: Gradually, I stopped seeing friends and family. At first, it seemed like my choice – but looking back, it was encouraged by his subtle criticisms of the people around me.
Guilt and Self-Blame: I told myself that if I just tried harder, things would improve. I internalised the blame for the difficulties in our relationship.
Control Masquerading as Concern: Decisions about where I went, who I spoke to, and even what I wore were taken away from me under the guise of “caring.”

These signs crept in slowly, and for a long time, I didn’t recognise them for what they were.

The Fear of Admitting It

Acknowledging these signs was terrifying. Admitting that my relationship was abusive felt like I was giving up on something I had invested so much of myself in. I also feared judgment—would people believe me? Would they think it was my fault?

But the biggest fear was confronting the reality of what leaving would mean. Where would I go? How would I keep Adil safe? How would I start over? These fears kept me silent longer than I should have been.

Breaking the Silence

The turning point for me came when a friend from university, someone I hadn’t spoken to in years, reached out. She noticed that I had gone quiet on social media and decided to check-in. At the same time, I found a group of women on a mum’s app who shared their stories and offered support. Their compassion and understanding gave me the courage to acknowledge what I was experiencing.

Why Recognizing the Signs Matters

Recognizing these signs is the first step to seeking help. Whether you’re experiencing these feelings yourself or noticing them in someone you care about, it’s important to trust your instincts. Abuse doesn’t have to look like bruises or broken bones – it’s just as often about control, manipulation, and fear.

What You Can Do

If you’re starting to see these signs in your own life, here are some steps to take:

Talk to Someone You Trust: Share your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or support group. Speaking out is often the hardest but most crucial step.
Document Your Experiences: If it’s safe, keep a record of incidents and behaviours that concern you. This can help you see patterns and may be useful if you choose to seek professional help.
Seek Support: Organisations like Women’s Aid, Refuge, and Soul Sisters can offer guidance and resources tailored to your needs.
Create a Safety Plan: Plan ahead for how you might leave if it becomes necessary. This might include packing a bag, setting aside important documents, and identifying a safe place to go.

For Those Supporting Others

If you suspect someone you know might be experiencing abuse, don’t wait for them to come to you. Gently reach out and let them know you’re there to listen without judgment. Sometimes, that simple act of care can open a door they’re too afraid to unlock on their own.

Moving Forward

Acknowledging the subtle signs of abuse and the fear of admitting it is a powerful step toward change. Over the next few weeks, I’ll continue sharing my journey – from the friend who reached out, to the group of strangers who became a lifeline, to the process of building a safety plan and starting over.

If you’re reading this and recognizing some of these signs in your own life, please know that you are not alone. There is help, there is hope, and there is a way forward.

Need Help? If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, please reach out to: